Recursive Hatred

The world is chock-full of dipshits and assholes.  When you are keenly aware of this fact you subconciously put up a guarded wall that inhibits organic friendships from forming.   Intellectuals typically lack implementation so I don't find much solace in cavorting with them.  The ignorant, it goes without saying, are spared no quarter by me either.  When your reality dwells in this grey zone, you find yourself utterly alone in a foreign land.  You against the world.  This weighs heavy on the heart.  It is sad.  This reality is mostly buried in the hustle and bustle of every day life.  It is only when starkly confronted with a dipshit or an asshole (these two are far from mutually exclusive) that this depression inducing reality comes to the fore. 

 I think what gets to me the most is that in a confrontation with a dipshit, I am always the one that pays the price regardless of outcome.  Dipshits typically lack introspection and have set up a a coping mechanism that will warp and twist until their damage is justified regardless of how far they have to batter reality to make it so.  I, on the other hand, run through the scenario a thousand times asking, "Am I the asshole?"  Even when I come to the conclusion that I was in the right, I feel tormented by the experience as I am confronted by my alienation from humans.  I have a pretty good idea that my antagonist feels no stress or anxiety whatsoever.  Because I am traumatized by the experience and my antagonist is not, I only feel angrier and more stressed.  It makes me hate dipshits and assholes recursively and compounding hate is a heavy burden to hold.  

I know that forgiveness is the only way.  And yet, the fact that assholes pay no price for the damage they inflict on others makes me eschew forgiveness. 

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